How Heavy Should Your Weights Be? Here's My Answer

Every week, someone holds up a tiny dumbbell like it might go off and asks, "Is this heavy enough?" I love that question. Here's the plain answer. Pick a weight you can lift with good technique, where the last few reps feel properly challenging and you reckon you could manage two or three more, but not ten. That's also how you build muscle after 40 without bulking up as a woman: steady, sensible and very doable.

The teacup grip

You know the one. Two small weights, held delicately, pinkies slightly out. Like she's about to be served tea in a nice hotel.

I see it all the time, and I get it. Nobody hands you a manual for this. You walk into a room full of dumbbells, they all look the same, and you pick the one that feels safest. Of course you do.

So I did what I always do. I handed her a slightly heavier pair and said, "Try ten slow ones." The first few were easy. Around rep seven, things got interesting. By rep ten she was concentrating, breathing out hard and grinning. Then she said, "Oh. That's the one."

She was right. That's the one.

Two or three left in the tank

This is the bit I want you to take away. When you finish a set, you should feel like you had two or three more reps in you. Not ten. Not zero.

If you finish and could happily have kept going while folding the washing, the weight is a bit light. Go up a little. If your form starts wobbling around rep four, it's a bit much. Come down a touch and enjoy the movement more.

Right in the middle is a lovely spot. The last few reps slow down. You have to pay attention. You feel like you're actually doing something, and you can still move well. That's the feeling to look for.

You don't need to start heavy

If you're working out how to start lifting weights in your 40s, here's the good news. Day one doesn't need to be a big day. Learn the movements first. Get comfortable. Let your body get used to the idea.

You also don't need a gym. Strength training for women at home with dumbbells works brilliantly. One or two pairs of different weights will take you a long way. A resistance band is great too. Plenty of women start with tins, water bottles or a bag of flour, and that's a perfectly good place to begin.

Then, when the last reps stop feeling challenging, nudge the weight up. Small steps are enough. Over a few weeks you'll notice you're reaching for a heavier pair without really deciding to.

The bulking worry, gently

This one comes up almost as often as the weights question. "Will I get bulky?"

I understand why people ask. For years women were told to stick to light weights and lots of reps. But building muscle takes real time and a lot of deliberate effort. It doesn't sneak up on you after a few sessions in your living room.

What actually happens is much nicer. You feel more solid. You stand a bit taller. Your clothes sit differently, and you stop dreading things that used to feel like a faff. For me, that's the whole point.

What it's really for

I'm a mum of two, so I think about functional strength exercises for everyday life constantly. Can I carry all the shopping in one trip? Can I scoop up a child who has gone floppy in a car park? Can I get up off the floor without a small sound of complaint?

That's what these weights are for. Not for a number on a dumbbell. For the washing basket, the school bags, the stairs and the toddler who wants carrying right now.

The 40s can bring a lot of change, and perimenopause can make your body feel a bit unpredictable. Building strength gives you something steady to lean on. It's one part of life you can actually work with, a few sessions a week, at your own pace.

A quick way to choose

Next time you pick up your weights, try this. Do ten slow reps with good form. Notice how the last three feel. If they're easy, go a bit heavier next time. If they're a proper effort but you stay in control, that's your weight. Stick with it until it starts feeling friendlier, then go up again.

That's the whole system. No maths and no stress.

Next week in the Move Strong beginner series, I'll show you the five movements every beginner should learn. Once you know those, choosing your weights gets even easier.

Come and do it with me

If you'd rather not guess on your own, come and train with me at a live session. I'll hand you a pair of weights, tell you when to go up, and cheer you on when it gets interesting. It's much more fun together, and I promise nobody will be holding their pinkies out for long.